Judge Dreadful
By: Michael Cottle
The judge slammed down his gavel after looking at the speedsters with much disgust. He sighed deep before he began his angry speech.
“You guys are dumb as a bunch of Monopoly tokens. I love a cactus clown, but you three stooges singing happy birthday with your red noses stuck in demon possessed jar of Nutella is just about all I can stand. Everyone knows there is a sequence in life- a pace. Even Fibonacci knew it that time he got sent back to teach the cavemen to start fires because they had too much rum to sum some.
You got to stop driving so dang fast. I would suggest you all get a time clock and set it for a happy ending in a paper crown. Don’t let anxiety rip into you like some foul-mouthed parrot named Percy. You guys have a responsibility to find a path to salvation and stop it with the selfies. Stay a little bit longer, but don’t think of it as some prison café.
Now, I once had a death bed vision of Kermit drinking tea. He was mixing pancake batter, killing spiders and karate chopping fruit like a ninja. He read Ms. Piggy’s thoughts and boy was that a lesson to be learned! There were Wombats and sick pets everywhere. I don’t think you guys are following me here. This world is about more than a child doing a handstand. When Indians captured prisoners, they let the women do the killing. Why? Because the pyramids are fricking huge! That’s why you numbskulls.
I’m telling you suzy little snowflakes that you need to tighten up or you’re not going to like your Christmas present. One time all I got was a dadgum ball of yarn, and it wasn’t by some terrible mistake. I just sat there in the backyard listening to ACDC with big roll of paper towels wiping my forehead.
You little sea monkeys these days want some sort of a prenuptial agreement with a body pillow and a magical giraffe. Get off your drunken carcasses, drink some energy drinks and work on your damn handwriting for Pete’s sake. Stop acting like a bride left at the alter without any leg warmers and nothing but a get out of jail free card from Uncle Pennybags.
There will be breadcrumbs and peanut butter that sticks in your mouth, but the Surgeon General has done told you, that you can’t find a tee-shirt to cover a four-hundred-pound man’s belly. Know where one is? No, you don’t. That’s cause there ain’t one.
Do you need me to keep explaining this to you, you pansies? Damn right you do. Someone has to tell you to put your goggles on, eat your hot dogs, keep you out of old phone booths and get back around the campfire. Life is not just a Penny Farthing race, you numb-skulled tokens. If you found the Fountain of Youth, would you drink? I have my doubts about you clowns, but I would. You better believe I would.
So, you fear my judgement? Speaking of judgement, Ms. Rothelisburger, where the heck is my stapler? And get me some ice cream too, will you?
Anyway, you tokens stop burning your toast like a herd of buffalo in a global wide cascading failure extravaganza! Don’t try to get gold teeth from the dead because the numbers are giving you frustration like a rusty lock in a thunder shower. I say when a life is in danger, grab an electric fence and run through it like metal doors in the summer time on a school building.
Do you tokens understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Just pay the speeding fine dammit. Where’s my ice cream Ms. Rothelisburger? Court dismissed.”
By: Michael Cottle
The judge slammed down his gavel after looking at the speedsters with much disgust. He sighed deep before he began his angry speech.
“You guys are dumb as a bunch of Monopoly tokens. I love a cactus clown, but you three stooges singing happy birthday with your red noses stuck in demon possessed jar of Nutella is just about all I can stand. Everyone knows there is a sequence in life- a pace. Even Fibonacci knew it that time he got sent back to teach the cavemen to start fires because they had too much rum to sum some.
You got to stop driving so dang fast. I would suggest you all get a time clock and set it for a happy ending in a paper crown. Don’t let anxiety rip into you like some foul-mouthed parrot named Percy. You guys have a responsibility to find a path to salvation and stop it with the selfies. Stay a little bit longer, but don’t think of it as some prison café.
Now, I once had a death bed vision of Kermit drinking tea. He was mixing pancake batter, killing spiders and karate chopping fruit like a ninja. He read Ms. Piggy’s thoughts and boy was that a lesson to be learned! There were Wombats and sick pets everywhere. I don’t think you guys are following me here. This world is about more than a child doing a handstand. When Indians captured prisoners, they let the women do the killing. Why? Because the pyramids are fricking huge! That’s why you numbskulls.
I’m telling you suzy little snowflakes that you need to tighten up or you’re not going to like your Christmas present. One time all I got was a dadgum ball of yarn, and it wasn’t by some terrible mistake. I just sat there in the backyard listening to ACDC with big roll of paper towels wiping my forehead.
You little sea monkeys these days want some sort of a prenuptial agreement with a body pillow and a magical giraffe. Get off your drunken carcasses, drink some energy drinks and work on your damn handwriting for Pete’s sake. Stop acting like a bride left at the alter without any leg warmers and nothing but a get out of jail free card from Uncle Pennybags.
There will be breadcrumbs and peanut butter that sticks in your mouth, but the Surgeon General has done told you, that you can’t find a tee-shirt to cover a four-hundred-pound man’s belly. Know where one is? No, you don’t. That’s cause there ain’t one.
Do you need me to keep explaining this to you, you pansies? Damn right you do. Someone has to tell you to put your goggles on, eat your hot dogs, keep you out of old phone booths and get back around the campfire. Life is not just a Penny Farthing race, you numb-skulled tokens. If you found the Fountain of Youth, would you drink? I have my doubts about you clowns, but I would. You better believe I would.
So, you fear my judgement? Speaking of judgement, Ms. Rothelisburger, where the heck is my stapler? And get me some ice cream too, will you?
Anyway, you tokens stop burning your toast like a herd of buffalo in a global wide cascading failure extravaganza! Don’t try to get gold teeth from the dead because the numbers are giving you frustration like a rusty lock in a thunder shower. I say when a life is in danger, grab an electric fence and run through it like metal doors in the summer time on a school building.
Do you tokens understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Just pay the speeding fine dammit. Where’s my ice cream Ms. Rothelisburger? Court dismissed.”